Recipe for a Satisfying Bowl of Life
As we speak, I’m enjoying the other side of adulthood – being over 50 – but feeling 25. Physically I’m in Sienna, Italy traveling with my youngest son, now 19, having just said good-bye to my husband and eldest son, now 23, who are heading home. This is one of many wonderful trips we’ve enjoyed; part of a family tradition of doing things together.
During the 25 years that I worked full time I was often in deep angst about my decision to leave my boys in the hands of others – nannies, babysitters, schools, tutors, clubs, teams, lessons, camps, occasionally family….The endless list of those who have had a hand in raising them.
Some were handpicked. Some they chose. Others just came in and out of their lives – the proverbial – for a reason, a season, a lifetime – family, teachers, mentors, friends, friends of friends, and families of friends.
The debate about how to work and mother is a non-starter. The needs, skills, expectations and life choices for every individual and family are complicated and changing as we, and they, mature. We’re not always in sync. It isn’t and can’t be one choice. This school trip or that meeting? Your turn or mine? Our time or theirs?
Making the choice to slug it out full time was never easy or permanent. During those years I thought and rethought the choices. I wondered and worried about what it meant for us, individually and collectively. I fretted. There were days that I lay my head on my desk and cried. There were others where I thanked my lucky stars that I had a place to go to that gave me the sense of identity, stimulation and financial reward. Being analytical, there wasn’t a day that I take my emotional temperature and ask: Am I happy? Is this worth it?
I think that it’s like cooking with what you find in your fridge. Unpredictable. But, if you’ve stocked it properly, you can pretty consistently produce a satisfying meal. My boys, now 23 and 19 agree that it worked for them and that they’re proud of me.
I’ve calmed my expectations about being the “perfect mom” with the reality that no mom is ever “with us” all the time either. My own mom had to raise two other kids, cook, clean and be her own person by volunteering, spending time with friends, and pursuing her own interests.
What working full time has given me is pleasure, pain, identity, financial choices and the opportunity to build my adult relationship with my “men” over big bowls of pasta "under the Tuscan sun". Bella.
Tory Johnson
Absolutely Annie
Balanced Woman
Been There, Done That
Career Changer
Comeback Mom
Fulltime Freelancer
Girl on the Go
Image Architect
Magic Hands
Multitasking Madre
New Girl on the Job
Outside the Box
Planet Mom
Small Business Susan
Vivacious Vicki
Work in Progress
Comments (4)
I'm a 52 year old woman with a 19 year old daughter in college. I retired from a secured job that I held for almost 18 years because I want to do something that I like. I thought it is kind of late for me to do something different and thinking I could have done it years back. Your story inspired me that at this age there is still hope. Two years ago I launched my event planning/catering/decor business and yet haven't really worked on it. Now is the time.
— Posted by Evelyn Faelnar | September 26, 2007 9:09 PM | Comment Permalink
As a woman over 50 with four children and a life that has led me all over the world dragging some of them with me, I understand these moments when you wonder about your own wisdom. My kids have always had a supportive mother and father who spent a great deal of time and energy around giving them the best education, the best caretakers and made every attempt to give them stability in a world where it wasn't always easy to do so. I would never say I gave my kids the best years of my life, but I placed their needs above mine a great deal of the time.
But at the age of 42 I started to pay attention to my own needs and began doing the things I really wnted for myself. I began writing and singing and soon acquired a library of works. My children are now 32, 28, 20 and 16, so there is only one left at home. She is very independent and would rather be left alone than fussed over. Probably just being a teenager!
Last year I started my own business for the very first time at the age of 54. I decided it was time for me to get out into the world in a professional way. I have not worked in a job since 1981 so it has been a tough year building credibility and figuring out how to reach out to the audience I want to attract. My kids were skeptical at first,and thought it was just one more thing I was 'playing' at. It hurt a little that I couldn't discuss my work with them, but then little by little things have changed.
This year, I published a book I worked on for over twelve years. It was a major accomplishment and I'm happy to say, it's doing okay. My Fearless Fifties coaching practice is very slowly building, and I'm writing another book. I'm looking forward to a full life ahead and absolutely will create the life I want.
It's never too late, no matter how old you are, and your kids will grow up and lead their own lives, no matter what you do. I'm happy I can give them a great example of how to do it well.
— Posted by Jacqueline Wales | September 7, 2007 7:16 AM | Comment Permalink
At 18 it's their job to detach, distance, become a man and each of them does it in their own painful way.
Remember when our parents dropped their halos and became dolts?
Every parent must go through this trial by fire at some point. The pain of conflict and colliding/crashing expectations hurts the ears and the heart. You did your job. He has to do his.
Hang on - eat a meal out - listen - believe - support their dreams. It will come.
Hugs, Sue
— Posted by Girlphyte | August 3, 2007 11:02 AM | Comment Permalink
I envy your relationship with your sons and family. My 18-year-old makes me feel like a bowl of leftovers gone bad! I have always worked full-time, but had a lot of flexibility to participate in his school and sports activities. Now that he is older we don't do much together. For his high school graduation, he asked to go to Paris, but when I suggested we go together, he wasn't interested. He is an only child, and his father and I divorced when he was 14, so our situation is pretty different from yours. I hope someday we'll have an adult relationship without so much tension.
— Posted by Margit Johnson | July 15, 2007 5:32 PM | Comment Permalink