Slightly Winded

I went to Palm Desert to celebrate a friend’s birthday last weekend. We did some slight rock climbing so that we could find a spot and meditate. The meditation was to last for a couple of hours in complete silence and stillness. My friends sat in complete silence with serenity slowly appearing on their upturned lips. I sat quietly and serenely until a bee abruptly appeared and made me run for my life. And these bees appear so suddenly. Like right out of the blue you hear this horrible buzz or buzzes (if they bring their friends). I darted back and forth trying to lose those beasts screaming "I think they got me!" for an hour. My friends giggled while I was thinking I was going to die from this intense fear of these stupid bees stinging me. Although I have to admit it was the best cardio anyone can do for an hour, this experience forced me to address my fears.

I fear ending up a failure. Maybe I might be pushing a shopping cart of worthless crap at 60, mumbling and shaking, and using large hand motions for emphasis. Or that I'll be married and my husband will leave me after twenty years because he's found someone else who’s younger, prettier, and far stupider. Yes that's my fear. That I'm not worthy or deserving of anything good. Haha. Crazy. I do acknowledge that I am slightly neurotic. Aren't we all to some degree a little crazy?

I guess I'm scared of growing up. I still want to play and act silly. We get forced at such an early to age to act mature and be responsible. I see people my own age who look a lot older and act a lot older...I guess what I'm really trying to say is that these people appear to not have fun. They hardly ever laugh or tell a joke and they take life way too seriously. I still want to play. I still run through the sprinklers, chew 50 pieces of gum in one sitting, and could probably exchange clothes with a 12 year old girl.

I'm like a girl-woman. I'm smiling because I sound ridiculous, but there has to be other women like me out there. Where going to work seems insane when the day is so freakin beautiful that a day at the beach seems like the right thing to do. Isn't life too short for this nonsense? Paying bills, feeding kids, washing dishes, cleaning the house, ironing, dry cleaning, washing the car, getting to work on time, saying yes when you really mean no, making a full and complete stop at a stop sign, going to the gym, answering each email (including the co-workers/customers asking retarded questions), not having dessert before dinner all just complete nonsense? Or is it because I am writing this on a Monday?