A Conversation with the Voices

I believe that people are inherently good. And then as we grow older, being tossed and turned by varying environments, we develop iron shields to protect our hearts from being shredded and torn. In return, some of us become crass and insecure. Or cynical and neurotic. Or angry and defensive... I realized that that was me. I shake my head now. I should have known better. I'm still dealing with my tendency to compete. I shouldn't try to be better than the person sitting to me in my attempt to get ahead. Ahead to what? It wouldn't be worth trampling my way to the top as I stand isolated and cold.

This empty void I'm trying to fill with some useless distraction is really me unable to listen to the voices in my head. They're speaking to me, but I can't hear them while I'm chewing or when I'm asking the sales clerk to help me. Or when I'm sleeping, on the phone, cooking, reading, running, counting the steps on each floor of this building...occupying every moment of my time to keep me from hearing those voices.

Recently, however, I stopped to listen. I was scared at first but curiosity prevailed. I had no choice actually; I became mentally exhausted by all the distractions. I had to listen hard, the voices soft-spoken, and they told me that my resistance was normal. That it was okay for me to feel this way, but that it was time to start doing something about it.
I'm listening now. I'm too tired to fight.

I've become slightly more dedicated to life. I don't feel out of control anymore. I've cleaned up my work area and my home area. I've given practically everything I own away. All the stuff took too much of my time to maintain.

The best thing about it all is that I feel so much better. There is still much more than I need to work on. And I sigh because this internal work will never end. No, not even the moment before I breathe my last breath.