Not the Empty Nest I Expected
My son left for college last week. But instead of packing up his clothes and stereo and driving to a dorm, he and his father came by in a U-Haul and took everything from his room: furniture, lamps, rugs, clothes, TV, even the laundry basket. He moved into an apartment in Brooklyn, 20 miles from my apartment and a million miles from home.
He chose a city college and insisted he didn’t want to live in a dorm. I thought he would find an apartment share with friends or other students. But early in the summer he claimed he would only live in his own apartment. I objected and said it would cost too much and I didn’t want him living alone at age 18. He got more and more adamant about it, and I finally told him I simply would not support the idea. Next thing I knew he was calling to say he’d found a place and his father was co-signing the lease.
The apartment has its pros and cons. It’s really close to college and the rent is fairly reasonable. There’s no seat on the toilet and it’s a second floor walkup right on the fire escape. It’s big enough to have a living room and a bedroom, which basically means there’s that much more space to clutter (remember this is an 18-year-old boy). And the life skills that go into maintaining an apartment are completely lacking. He called to say the apartment was out of water. I asked if it was out in the whole building, and he said, “No, I mean bottled water in my apartment!” I explained that someone had to go to the store, buy the water, carry it home, put it in the refrigerator and throw away the empties.
There’s a whole extra layer of anxiety about him living on his own as well as starting college next week. I feel caught somewhere between those 20 and one million miles.
Tory Johnson
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Comments (3)
Be grateful your son has the skills to be on his own, my son has Asperger's syndrome and has to attend a special school. I keep nagging my son to try harder so he can be mainstreamed in public high school, but he is the laziest kid you ever saw. He is completing his freshman year of "high school" in the special school for disabled kids and he has learned nothing if you ask me. I live in an affluent town in NJ where the public schools are excellent. He could be getting a fantastic education (the graduation rate is 99% and 98% or something like that go on to college). But I was forced into putting him into the special school because he could not "fit in" or "keep up" due to his disabilities in the 7th grade and they made him leave public school two years ago. (telling me this is the best thing for him after I fought with the school to have him mainstreamed for years). So he is in this school where they are in a single classroom all day with 1 teacher and an assistant. He knows it upsets me so he never talks about school. Also, my son can barely make himself a sandwich let alone be on his own. I am terrified when we have to leave him home alone for 2 hours, let alone the thought of him being on his own. I wish I had your problems, my son will probably never attend college. Also, if he can maintain a job at Wendy's I'll be lucky I think. Also, I don't even know if he'll be able to drive a car someday, he gets upset if any little thing goes wrong and overreacts completely, or else he will completely underreact which is just as bad.
— Posted by suze | May 31, 2008 1:59 AM | Comment Permalink
This is the reason kids have to go to college...to learn how to take care of themselves. I remember many years ago being astounded that the sweater I dropped on the floor of my college apt. was still there the next day! I had never thought about how it got from the floor to my closet. And my son's first day in his first apartment, he had to visit/meet his next door neighbor because who'd a thought toiletpaper wasn't automatically generated in the bathroom. Yes he will have a messy place but the lessons learned are invaluable and necessary for him to be a grownup. Don't worry, he will be home often to raid the pantry and cleaning supply closet. And he will definitely appreciate what you do for him a lot more, now that he finally realizes what it is you do.
— Posted by Jaramya | September 4, 2007 10:30 AM | Comment Permalink
My father said to me on my first day on campus, "Remember only half of your learning will be from the books." Your son is just beginning his education. Enjoy watching him learn. Self-esteem comes from mastery of your environment and your little corner of the world.
— Posted by Deanna | September 4, 2007 10:26 AM | Comment Permalink