Follow Your Heart Part Two

"How will you survive?"
"Leave your job? Are you crazy?!"
"Don't be coming to me and ask me for my hard earned money.."
"How much do you have saved up? How much do you make now? Did you plan on Health Insurance? Oh and what about Life Insurance?"
"This is obviously your genes. This doesn't come from my side of the family.."
"Have you thought this through? Where do you see yourself five to ten years down the line?"
"What brought this on? Are you going through any emotional issues right now?"

And finally, my dad:

"I'll pay you to stay. How much do you want? It's all my fault. I wasn't around when you were younger. Don't tell me that this some bogus higher calling. The devil can speak to men's souls just as sure as God. So we'll go to the bank tomorrow and settle this nonsense."

We didn't go to the bank, as insulted and flattered as I was. I can't explain why I have to go, I just know that if I don't do it now, I'll never do it. I know that I cannot face the alternative. I can't sit at my desk like this for another 20 or 30 years. What good is making money when you can't enjoy it? I'd rather die than wake another morning to this nonsense. I suppose that statement sounds dramatic, but I've always been an all or nothing girl. All or nothing.

I don't believe what was fed to me at school. I was mis-informed and mis-educated. I realize now that my thoughts were the shackles that held me down, making me believe that I needed to have the house, the car, the nice clothes, the respectable job in order to feel like I belong. Like a dignified member of society paying her taxes. I've already belonged. I just never knew it.

I sound brave, don't I? I'm scared. A little part of me thinks the people at that dinner table are right, that I shouldn't give up everything to pursue this dream. A little part of me wonders if I've gone mad. That little part of me doesn't like change. That little part of me says this job isn't so bad and that I'm blessed with co-workers who are angels. That little part of me also has a hard time sleeping at night, not wanting to waste the precious sleeping hours when it could be doing something more meaningful. Like the magic of art.

My friends, although supportive, have distanced themselves from me, I've noticed. Maybe to get used to the absence of my presence? I'm not sure. I've accepted this fact, as hard as it's been for me emotionally, I love them. I'll always love them. Maybe I've distanced myself from them so I could get used to the absence of their presence.

I'm praying that someone will catch me at the bottom of this very, very high cliff because I've just leaped! With one eye reluctantly open and the other squeezed so tight I can feel it pop right back into my skull.

Thank you for your comments on the previous blog. I've taken them to heart and am touched by your extreme kindness.