TOO SELF-SUFFICIENT?
People keep telling me that I’m so self-sufficient. The ironic part is that women say it with a positive tone, and men say it with a negative tone. It makes me wonder if being a self-sufficient woman, has now become a negative in the dating arena. Women praise me for going to the jungles of Mexico by myself, going to the movies by myself and starting up my own business. Men are just as impressed, and then say, “I guess you don’t need a man, do you?” I never know how to answer this. Do I scream, “Yes”, I need a man”, or do I agree with them and go start another business. Just because I don’t need a man, doesn’t mean I don’t want a man. There is a big difference. I never knew that not being a needy bimbo would become a negative. I thought men would want me to bring something more to the relationship than my double D’s.
I wonder if I need to dumb myself down, to seem like I “need” a man, just to get a man! The fact is, I haven’t dated anyone seriously in about 5 years, I’m average looking and marrying rich hasn’t quite worked out the way my mother hoped. By deciding to enjoy life with or without a man, life has decided that I don’t get one, even if I want one. At this point, it may have become a cycle of self-sufficiency and singledom. Each one feeding the other.
Tory Johnson
Comments (6)
Sadly, my experience is that women often don't recognize self-sufficiency as a positive either. I used to be surprised when I heard women identify themselves as entrepreneurs and slide into, "Well ... I'm actually not working on the business right now ..." with the story eventually coming out that they are simply being supported by a high-earning man. I am no longer blindsided by this.
— Posted by Barbara Saunders | March 6, 2009 12:23 AM | Comment Permalink
Read this...
http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Successful-Career-Womans-Guide-to-Landing-and-Keeping-a-Man!&id=98031
A beautiful article by a strong independent woman about how she does need HER man.
In short, she gets it... she says it so simply... I've said it time and again...
Men NEED to be needed.
— Posted by Alex S | August 11, 2008 3:36 AM | Comment Permalink
I will give you one man's perspective, as I cannot speak for others. Not all men are intimidated by a self-sufficient woman, in fact I found what you wrote by doing a google search for a "self sufficient woman."
I suspect that when men ask you if you need a man, it is more a hope than a rude comment. Self-sufficient people regardless of gender can be viewed as intimidating by those who are not self-sufficient. Let's face it, most of our society calls on some "expert" to do most everything for them. Few find take the time to learn the skills to do for themselves on any significant level. I was one of them and had to make a concerted effort to learn darn near everything the hard way (and continue to do so today) but find that the more I become self sufficient, the fewer people that I can readily identify with. I still meet great people and appreciate them for who they are, just not as deeply as I do self-sufficient women.
Now I must admit there are probably many, many levels of self-sufficiency, which to me would only make conversation more interesting.
We all wish to be needed on some level.
As another person responded, please do not "dumb yourself down" or hide your true self. You have no doubt faced many challenges and questioning from friends and family for choosing to approach life in your own unique way. That my dear lady is character. Please do not hide it.
TC
— Posted by TC | June 1, 2008 7:46 PM | Comment Permalink
This sounds very familiar. I've also been down this road. Many years ago I thought I had to dumb it down for a guy friend. He caught on to my nonsense and told me to stop it. A bit embarassed I realized that a guy who I'm in tune with will not want me to play a role - especially to pretend to be less than I am. My current significant other is quite glad that I am self-sufficient. Yet I think at times he's also bewildered about my lack of neediness, since it's the total opposite of what his married life was like. Which (in the beginning) led to him wondering why I wanted to be with him, since I was so self-sufficient. I think in this case people have a hard time understanding the distinction between needing and wanting.
— Posted by Deborah | April 4, 2008 11:58 AM | Comment Permalink
Hi Magic Hands,
The next time a man asks about whether or not you need a man, why not respond, "What do you think?" I would guess that he is hoping you will be both self sufficient and also want a man. If he says No, tell him he might be surprised. Men have always been afraid of women, ask any psychotherapist! Just have fun with it and be yourself - you sound wonderful!!
— Posted by Image Architect | March 25, 2008 5:43 PM | Comment Permalink
Dear Magic Hands,
I don’t think it’s necessary to dumb yourself down. A better question may be the last time you had a date do you remember how it ended and did you receive any feedback on how well it went? Sometimes we get used to being single and our body language and words may be a turn off to the opposite sex. I am saying this because I have been guilty of some of the things I have mentioned. It is very important for males to feel manly and women can be independent and self sufficient but not question or try to lessen their manhood. The next time a male says, “I guess you don’t need a man” you can choose to not respond or smile and say “I never said that.” The point is and I have heard it time and time again “Are you approachable?” Do you have any male friends get some feedback from them about how your demeanor is perceived? Sometimes we can project unpleasant vibes and not even realize it.
Hope this helps. Don’t give up.
— Posted by AM Morgan | March 25, 2008 3:21 PM | Comment Permalink