Why Do Women Judge Other Women Harshly?
I have a question for all you women out there. Why do women judge other women more harshly than men? Why in this day and age are women who are ambitious, successful and who work hard to build wealth considered a B - - - - (you can fill in the blanks)?
Why, why, why are we our own worst enemies at times? We should be cheering each other on, not judging and demeaning other women for their successes. We should be helping each other. Mentoring each other. Doing business with each other.
Of course, I have a reason for this rant. First, let me say I love working with other women and I do my best to support and promote women. I’ve also been fortunate to have lots of successful women help me too.
In speeches to women’s groups I stress the importance of deflecting the old stereotypes and instead think big, bold and audacious. It’s okay to be ambitious. It’s okay to want to make money. It’s okay to have aspirations to build multi-million dollar business enterprises. In fact, it’s not only okay – it’s a great thing.
Now let me cut to the chase. Evaluations from a women’s event where I spoke recently included comments that are indicative of the problem women encounter.
“Her hemline was too short.”
“She’s arrogant, greedy and b ---------“.
“Her male partners are behind her success”
“I think she confused confidence for cockiness.”
I realize you can’t please everyone and not everyone is going to like you. I have thick skin and I’ve learned from my male business associates to ignore comments such as these. Luckily these were only a few comments buried in hundreds of overwhelmingly positive evaluations. But I was drawn to the ones I’ve pointed out because they are indicative of the exact things I talk about. Because a woman is ambitious, confident, etc. doesn’t mean she’s a bad person.
Let me ask you, how many people would comment on the clothing choice of a man? Furthermore, I was in a room full of women so I could have done the speech in my underwear for that matter.
Ladies, let’s get real here. Let’s pull together. Let’s make things happen. If we can’t get around the stereotypes how do we expect men to? Women are over half the population, just think what we could accomplish if we truly worked together.
Let me know your thoughts and if you have a story, please share.
Tory Johnson
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Comments (3)
I think I have an answer to that question. I asked myself this very thing just this morning, pertaining to my own mother. She spent the weekend at my house...Sunday thru Wednesday. I think initially, her intention was to stay through Friday or Saturday. I blew it. It usually happens this way, too. You see, my mother and I are on different spiritual paths. She's fundamentally Baptist. I'm far from that! I have a very rich and fulfilling spiritual life. However, when my mother comes to visit, she can't stay long. Or at least she hasn't. I was convinced of something while I brushed my teeth this morning...partially looking at myself in the mirror, and missing my mother. We're in the same town, but on opposite ends... like 40 miles apart. When she's at my house, it seems like I can't stand her to bring HER religion. She definitely has "religion" and she always brings it with her. I asked myself this morning, what's my problem with her.. or that? The answer: Fear. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that she thinks her religion is better than mine. And I don't want her to think that. I would love it if she could get to a place of being neutral about her denomination and all. But I have feeling that will never change. What has to change is me. My thinking and my feelings about it. Her. And I think that as women, we tend to judge other women so harshly because we are afraid that that other woman, no matter who she is, thinks she's better than we are. Even if she is.. Who does she think she is to think she is? She thinks she's better than me because... because...because!
In my spiritual walk, when I am practicing fully what I know and believe, I don't need to be afraid of anything. If I am walking in the light of love, then nothing else should matter. Not her religion. Not her wardrobe. Not her credentials. Not her attitude. Not her physical attributes. What matters is that.. in my mind.. we're all children of God. Every one of us, with everything that we say or do, we're asking for love or offering it. How can I be afraid of my sister or mother when she's asking me to love her?
I like this quote by Wally Lamb: Accept what people offer, drink their milkshakes, take their love.
After that, there's nothing to be afraid of.
— Posted by Jackie | August 1, 2008 2:52 PM | Comment Permalink
The practice of women judging one another is passed on to us at a young age, before we even realize it. Dr. Laura Schlessinger wrote that parents use different techniques in rearing their daughters and sons. While we sign our boys up for Little League, where teamwork is encouraged, we sit down in front of television beauty pageants with our daughters and subtly teach them to judge other women harshly for minor flaws or imperfections.
When I worked in a pre-school I saw boys work together and share tasks to complete projects. Girls would occasionally go out of their way to identify and exclude other girls who did not meet imposed norms. Parents can help to shape the future by encouraging daughters to recognize one another's strengths and to be inclusive of everyone.
— Posted by C. S. Van Rhein | May 18, 2008 9:30 AM | Comment Permalink
I have thought about this question for a long time. There are a variety of reasons why women judge each other rather harshly depending on the situation. If a woman is used to being the center of attention and she feels another woman threatens her spotlight she will seek to tear her down.
In a male dominated office some women feel that only one woman can advance and they want that woman to be themselves. I really think it boils down to insecurity and fear.
I have had female friends be okay when they are ahead of me (In their careers or relationships) but if we are relatively close then there is a problem.
I have also worked with some female leaders who continue to remind me that I am subordinate to them. One female leader in particular felt the need to tell my supervisor every mistake and misstep I made. I lost respect for her because she gave me the devious smile and said, “I am trying to help you but never once offered to mentor me.” I would have much rather her to pull me to the side and give me feedback instead of making me looking bad to upper management.
On the other hand, I have many female friends and leaders that have been very supportive of me. I just hate it when it becomes more about a competition and who looks better or is smarter. Does it really matter when we are all trying to better ourselves? Personally, I am all for women succeeding and letting their natural light shine.
— Posted by A.M. Morgan | May 16, 2008 11:01 AM | Comment Permalink